poker face

I've been on the run since Thanksgiving. Obviously the holiday sprint is on, and I haven't even done any shopping yet. I won't really be able to think about it until this next weekend when school and work will be mostly finished. For now, I have one more week, and the semester will be over.

It really is amazing to be feeling better. When I go throughout my day and I don't have to worry about crying in front of someone or whether or not I'm going to have a panic attack, it's a good day. I'm so thankful that I feel normal again, but the tough part of normal is that I'm less likely to depend on God. When everyday was a struggle to get out of bed, I'm needed him for every little thing. And now when things get a little bit easier, I start trying to act in my own strength. That must be why I still daily battle those thoughts about being worthless and undesirable. Everyday I have to give those back to God, and he once again has to help me see myself as He sees me. Will He ever get tired of my dependence?

I've been involved in ministry lately and it's both good and scary at the same time. I'm opening myself up to what God would do through me if I were to stay in the states. He's given me a few dreams that I would like to see happen. One is that I would like my life to be missional. I want to live each day with focus and intentionality that each person I encounter would be another chain in the Great Commission. I want to keep a blog about some of the mission opportunities that I have each week that reflect God's command to "Go and make disciples of all nations." My heart has always been for the nations. I've always dreamed of being a missionary - most of the time for selfish reasons so that I could go live the exotic life in the Amazon jungle or whatever, and everyone would look at me and say Ooooh.

But I love the nations and I love cultures, and I feel more myself when I'm around internationals than I sometimes do among people from my own culture. But for some reason, God has closed the door - whether temporarily or permanently, I don't know - on my service overseas. Yet he has opened the door to the nations right here in New Orleans. I pray with all my heart that I will be faithful to serve Him in this open door until he shuts the door or takes me somewhere else.

Part of my ministry involves my students. I have one student in particular that I would like for you to pray for. This student is seriously struggling with depression and some other illnesses, but she is refusing to seek help. She confided in me, and she asked me, "Karla, why can't I just have a poker face, so that no one will know that I'm upset." She seemed shocked when I told her not to have a poker face and to be real with me. It isn't her culture to share her feelings and seek help, and we are having some trouble bridging the cultural gaps here. When will we learn to be real with each other and vulnerable before each other? I have shared about my struggles with people because I can't do this alone. When we finally learn that it's OK to cry and share our pain, then we'll realize the amazing freedom that is found in truth. It is humiliating, yes. But God has a way of showing glory in our weaknesses, and may He continue to do so.